Triggering this Triggers that: Navigating Supports Within a Broken Mental Health System

I survived the sex but surviving the scars has been increasingly difficult

My sister once asked if I could list my triggers. She has such a beautiful soul as her motives were so she could sidestep any of them to not cause me pain. I couldn’t help but chuckle because listing triggers is a slippery slope. After all, it doesn’t work that way.

What is a trigger today may not feel like a trigger tonight. It’s all a state of mind and rolled into the energy of that moment. It’s a timing issue. I can talk about sex sometimes. I can hear about sex sometimes, but not always. Sometimes, as if disconnected, I’m a million miles removed from the bottom half of my body. Other times, I’m knee-deep in memories.

I have been diagnosed with a dissociative disorder. I guess that kicked in when I was unable to handle a grown-up situation imposed on me as a child. Sometimes a person's hand can trigger me as I remember those unwelcome hands that touched me. Sometimes, waiting in line triggers memories for me - men lining up to have a go at me while I lay trapped in a basement surrounded by musty storage lockers. Sometimes certain smells will trigger me and sometimes they don’t. Other times, I’m able to clearly navigate.

Sometimes when the family gathers and reminisces it stings. This is because they remember their childhoods with an abundance of happy memories. I remember my childhood with an abundance of dark memories. This leaves me not able to fully participate or contribute to this conversation. I can only stand on the sidelines, feeling the sting.

This is why so many times I’ve declined to go to family gatherings. After all, I can't expect others to refrain from reminiscing on their happy memories nor would I ever ask or expect that of anyone. It’s awkward and it stings beyond belief.

When family members express how disappointed they are for my lack of attendance, it’s sweet, but it’s not at all necessary or a kind thing to say. Because in the end, this disappointment is more about them, than me.

On the flip side of the coin, I too am terribly disappointed to be unable to attend such events. However, I sometimes have to take a step back. To protect myself, to take care of me, and sometimes they just don’t get that. Sometimes just the individual outline of a person can be triggering.

Sometimes everything triggers me sometimes nothing triggers me

Sometimes everything triggers me, sometimes nothing triggers me. It depends on the day, my mindset, and my energy levels. I will never understand why that is so hard for some to grasp? I mean, do you have the same mindset and energy levels right through any given day?

These are just some of the triggers that stir within. Triggers that I have to contend with every second, every minute, every day. Sometimes it’s exhausting.

“I used to make hundreds of thousands of dollars when I was being trafficked but hell, it's not like traffickers put aside a pension or health benefit plan for their victims just incase, they might escape the sex trade one day. It doesn’t work that way. That, in itself, is triggering.”

On the other hand, battling triggers and trying to navigate the mental system could lead everyone to feel crazy. The fact that a person, like me, a human trafficking survivor, cannot find a one on one therapist or counsellor is just infuriating, to say the least. Unless, it’s a psychiatrist who will only oversee medication, it seems we survivors are out of options.

As someone with borderline personality disorder, no medication is required, but some good damn support is very well required. It comes down to this. In our current system, like most things, if you have money the supports are much easier to come by. Without money, not so much.

Being sold as a child for sex

I used to make hundreds of thousands of dollars when I was being trafficked but hell, it's not like traffickers put aside a pension or health benefit plan for their victims just in case they might escape the sex trade one day. It doesn’t work that way. That, in itself, is triggering. There are also very few therapists or counsellors that are educated and trained in how to deal with the aftermath of such a traumatic experience.

My first sexual experience was around age two or three years old, the first time I was sold for sex was before my tenth birthday. With this, I too grew up with comments like, “you’re too sensitive.” I, therefore, internalized these words, as if I was defective somehow.

Oh, how I wish I could’ve yelled “YOU’RE NOT SENSITIVE ENOUGH!” But back then, I had no voice. Everything about my upbringing reinforced, obedience, compliance and to do what others expected and wanted from me - always. Being a girl meant everything focused on what would best appeal and be of service to men.

“Everything about my upbringing reinforced obedience, compliance and to do what others expected and wanted from me - always. Being a girl this meant everything focused on what would best appeal and be of service to men.”

Although much has changed for this next generation with quicker access to information through the internet, enough support is still not available. Yet even with this mass expansion, access to the mental health field has still remained very limited, despite these technological advancements.

Triggers Still Happen

So, when we talk about triggers and how I handle them, I had to learn to drive them. To navigate them as best I can. To find new ways of navigating them that made sense to me. By setting boundaries, learning there is a beginning, a middle, and an end to flashbacks has allowed me to white-knuckle my way through. I will be honest with you. I have held on for dear life, as if on a rolling coaster ride, you know, you just hold on for literally your dear life.

Triggers still happen, of course, they do. I mean, I suppose they always will. However, now they don’t buckle me at the knees like they used to. In the past a trigger could knock me down for days, now the impact has lessened. Not because of time passed, but more so because of all the work I did in therapy. All the investment I have put into my healing. With the resources and sources that have been available, even if it has been very little.

Since escaping the sex trade over twenty years ago, I have learned this. The only way to get to the other side of trauma is to go straight through it. It will take every ounce of courage and perseverance you’ve got - but the other side of trauma, that’s worth fighting for.

If you are or believe you have identified someone in a trafficking situation, you can take action. Call 911 immediately to notify local law enforcement. You may also call the human trafficking hotlines in Canada and the United States by dialling the numbers below. Both hotlines are open 24/7/365 days of the year and provide services in over 200 languages.