Nevertheless She Persisted With a Twist Despite it All

I gave up so many times I lost count. Actually, I never attempted to bother trying to keep count, I was too busy trying to survive my turbulent beginnings.

From early sexual abuse, I grew up seeing myself as a mere commodity. Every breath I took was immersed in the sheer survival of the pain and confusion that swirled in my body and mind making me an easy target. A victim, of yet another ugly occurrence, human trafficking and addiction.

When folks would say “life is a gift” my response for the first 34 years of my life was,“where is the return counter?” I didn’t wanna be here and I continuously persisted in numbing the pain. Despite my efforts, I remained. My doctor once said, “Robin if you jumped off the CN tower you’d probably sprain your ankle.” Still, I kept trying to end my life, to end the pain because I couldn’t see a way out but alas, I was unsuccessful every time for which I'm grateful for now. In the wake of living such a life, I accumulated more damage as I went along, but I truly didn’t know how to get out.

Persistence is a funny thing, the tendency is to think of action efforts, but there is another perspective. I do truly believe we all move at our own pace and it’s imperative to never underestimate someone’s ability to shine.

“When folks would say “life is a gift” my response for the first 34 years of my life was, where is the return counter?”

— Robin Zee

So recently, I came across something I wrote over 25 years ago. Which isn’t necessarily about persistence, but is a result of persisting one foot in front of the other. I am now able to voice what once bounced within my being, aching to be released.

The pain I still carry and yes, it still does rear its ugly head from time to time. It shows up uninvited and even though through support and therapy I’ve got more tools and support to cope, I still can’t change what was. For this, my life has suddenly taken a different turn.

LISTEN

When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving advice, you have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I “shouldn’t” feel that way, you’re trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as that may seem.

Listen, all I asked, was that you listen, not talk or do, just hear me.

Advice is cheap; 10 cents will get you both Dear Abby and Billy Graham in the same newspaper. And I can do it for myself, I’m not helpless, maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.

When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and weakness. But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational it may seem to you, then I can quite try to convince you and get down to the business of understanding what’s behind these feelings.

Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what’s behind them.

Perhaps that’s why prayer works, sometimes, for some people, because G-D is mute and He doesn’t give advice or try to fix things. He just listens and lets me work it out for myself.

So, please listen and just hear me. If you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn and I will listen to you. I am not broken, damaged perhaps, but not broken and it's not your place to fix me. You can walk with me, support me, show compassion, even if you have no understanding, but you cannot do it for me, as it is an inside job.

Multifaceted me, we all consist of multilayers. Sometimes, I feel I’m fragmented because I am. I had to learn to accept that and embrace it, as it is all the layers and facets that make me who I am today.

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Borderline Me: Beyond the Edge

Borderline Me: Beyond the Edge is written by award-winning performer and author Robin Zee. Zee’s deeply moving and courageous tell-all memoir is based on the original one woman live show, Borderline Me. You can purchase Zee’s book here.

Free-Them as a non-profit, does not make any commission from links to, clicks to, or sales from the purchase of Borderline Me: Beyond The Edge.

If you are or believe you have identified someone in a trafficking situation, you can take action. Call 911 immediately to notify local law enforcement. You may also call the human trafficking hotlines in Canada and the United States by dialling the numbers below. Both hotlines are open 24/7/365 days of the year and provide services in over 200 languages.