Survivor Diary: Robin Zee - No Holds Bar

So I covered not all but some of the “back then” stuff in the first segment, enough to give you an idea of how different the times were and I may revisit that. As I look back the most painful was feeling invisible, sub human and not being believed by those who cared. An embedded twisted reality of what is supposed to be love, from parents, right! But in all honesty they didn’t know, the thought never occurred to them to even contemplate. Though they were aware that there was issues and how that played out was them re-victimizing me over and over again, as I always fell short of their expectations. I was expected to behave normally with no discussion, no exploration as to what could be behind it all. Normal! I’m still not sure what the hell that is even supposed to mean.

As a survivor my life has been fragmented, trauma does that. My recall is also fragmented and memories surface. It’s as if there’s a million pieces like a puzzle and some pieces seem to be missing or in hiding for a short time or perhaps forever.

It took me a long time to heal and it’s an ongoing process, from the fact that parents, care givers, teachers, doctors and society at large didn’t think of sexual abuse, human trafficking, being rented out as a child, in my mind set they were oblivious but how can that be. I know its horrendous but after all slavery has been happening for decades but it was a different time and though I may not be able to wrap my head around it I have come to accept it for what it was, shortcomings.

Human trafficking has no holds bar, its pretty much anything goes, there is no preference age, race, sexual orientation or physical borders though crossing these days differs than in my day as I was trafficked here in Canada and in the states you didn’t even need a passport.

“Human trafficking has no holds bar, its pretty much anything goes, there is no preference age, race, sexual orientation or physical borders though crossing these days differs than in my day as I was trafficked here in Canada and in the states you didn’t even need a passport.”

I can tell you about the horrors but I’d rather tell you more about the healing, the strength and courage and lessons learned. And with the horrors I hesitate because I might not find my way back. Writing and/or sharing my story takes its toll, there’s an aftermath that sometimes lingers longer than I’d prefer. But it’s important to provide a background story, flashes of what was. It gives contrast and debt so here we go.

What was stolen was my innocence, my chances of even formulating dreams, aspirations and my voice? As a result of being groomed over the years one realizes that in order to survive it’s best if you don’t have an opinion as you cannot voice yourself safely, unless it’s the same as the current flow. You learn not to make waves, to do what is expected of you, period. It’s all about survival. I remember stepping out of line. I remember being used as an ashtray to put out cigars and cigarettes. I remember the violence and the threat of, being constant like a lingering cloud overhead. I remember learning that you cannot trust anyone and everyone wants something. I remember any acts of kindness mostly coming from dates but always coming with strings attached. I remember always feeling bound like my umbilical cord was attached to the devil himself. I remember excruciating internal soul pain, disconnecting from myself, they call it disassociation disorder. If you can picture the sound of a massive piece of velcro makes when you tear the two pieces apart, it was like that. With Human Trafficking comes a slew of mental health issues to contend with. I remember, I remember, I remember.

When life started to change for me, I started to learn that the world is also filled with amazing kind people though the “when the shoe is gonna drop”. Next episode, stay tuned

In the meantime during this pandemic, is a great time to catch up on reading, writing, art and other projects you’ve been aching to get too.

You can read more about my story in my book;

So here’s a little shameless self promotion coming up:

If you wanna know more, you can also check out my website https://www.robinzee.com

You can also order my book:

BorderLine Me: Beyond the Edge by amazon.ca (available internationally)

Thank you for your support and stay safe!

Photo: Robert Manley

From Art Exhibit Courtship & Deceit

Puppeteer Melanie Skene

If you are or believe you have identified someone in a trafficking situation, you can take action. Call 911 immediately to notify local law enforcement. You may also call the human trafficking hotlines in Canada and the United States by dialling the numbers below. Both hotlines are open 24/7/365 days of the year and provide services in over 200 languages.