Survivor Diary: Robin Zee - Now What - Part 2: Courageous Moments

So last month I wrote about a little bit of, Now What! Funny that theme often resurfaces. If I step back I can clearly see its about revisiting my traumatic past, therapy was a great friend during this process for me, as was journaling/writing out the anxiety pain and damage I had experienced. Now feeling somewhat whole, after licking my wounds it was time to Create a healthy life for myself. I still had to deal with my addiction recovery and found ample support there as well as a sponsor whom is still a trusted friend today over 20 years later. I started to develop real friendships though not all close ones but it was a process of building a tribe for myself, with those who understand and can relate to some of my experiences. To surround myself with cheerleaders, supporters, who gave freely their time and heart. That in itself was a trip after all I had spent a life time with people who either wanted to sell me something, deceive me, lie to me, mislead me and take from me and here I am now surrounded by folks who want nothing from me, who love, support, encourage me and who are willing to get to know me. Of course over the course of time, some fell by the way side and some stayed strong and remained during the course of time. I remember once my father asked me if I felt loved, I remember the dilemma of wanting to lie, saying yes but I mustered my courage and told my father that even though I know I am loved but thats from my head, from my heart I didn’t know what that felt like not until I gave birth to my daughter did I learn about unconditional love from my perception I had not received that growing up, the love I received was based on how I acted, how I behaved. It’s all a learning curve.

I’ve decided during this pandemic thats it time to start writing my second book, of Now What! Courageous Moments. I don’t believe courage exist with fear, they seem to go hand in hand. I have a whole lotta fear which is totally understandable having been a child/adult victim of human trafficking, I saw and experienced the worse of the worse. Even those who shoed kindness always came with strings attached. Some people still approach me as if this is my first rodeo, well it ain’t. At some point I reached a place of serenity, where I wish I could’ve stayed forever, however life isn’t like that now, is it.

I’ve decided during this pandemic thats it time to start writing my second book, of Now What! Courageous Moments. I don’t believe courage exist with fear, they seem to go hand in hand. I have a whole lotta fear which is totally understandable having been a child/adult victim of human trafficking, I saw and experienced the worse of the worse. Even those who shoed kindness always came with strings attached. Some people still approach me as if this is my first rodeo, well it ain’t. At some point I reached a place of serenity, where I wish I could’ve stayed forever, however life isn’t like that now, is it.

After writing my first book BorderLine Me, Beyond The Edge, I found myself spiralling out. I found myself back in that place of feeling like a victim all over again. I stirred the pot, I didn’t tell all because I just couldn’t but it was enough to give a clear picture of the horrors I had to contend with. I learned that particularly as a child that trauma rewires the nervous system, the processing system and has left me with terrible digestive issues. Often I feel unattached to the bottom half of me. It all makes sense now, yet it doesn’t wipe away what was, to the contrary it makes me wanna ball my eyes out. This after being out of that life for over 30 years, this shit never goes away and I have had to learn to carry it while trying to find some sense of normalcy, in all honesty its exhausting. So, in order to help me move from pandora’s box that I opened a second follow up book is I think necessary. I have learned so much from my experiences the good, bad and ugly. Its not what lief throws at you but what you do with it, for so many years I was so lost and every moment of my energy was immersed in pure survival.

Today I still am discovering things from my past. I remember being asked to speak this one time, and I couldn’t find the location, there was a bunch of buildings though the initial address was the same for all, like a gigantic clump of various type building. The panic that arose was insane and then it hit me, my past, the fear of being used as an ashtray, or being humiliated, slapped and or punched out for fucking up by being late for past dates. The consequences for latest was brutal. The consequences for not having ones fingernails and toenails properly manicured and matching could land you with broken fingers but only on your non dominant hand, after all if a hand job was requested you had to have at least one good hand. I sometimes look at my external scars, from cigars and cigarettes being put out on my body, but my face was rarely hit. Everything was about presenting an illusion to sell to the highest bider, the more polished the higher the price and then you age and in the business we all seem to age a bit faster, maybe it was the stress of my reality. Some days are good, I can put it aside but other days the slightest triggers takes me back into a place I wish I had never been. Sometimes I wonder what kind of person I would’ve been if my infancy, my childhood and my young adult years had been healthy and absent of sexual abuse and sex trafficking.

If you are or believe you have identified someone in a trafficking situation, you can take action. Call 911 immediately to notify local law enforcement. You may also call the human trafficking hotlines in Canada and the United States by dialling the numbers below. Both hotlines are open 24/7/365 days of the year and provide services in over 200 languages.